i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
