I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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