dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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