i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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