I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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