I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
