when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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