It's like God shit irony all over that family
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
