oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
