Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
