i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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