I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
