After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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