I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
