I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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