I heard we made out
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
