Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
