The maid of honor just puked.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
