There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
