I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
