I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
