Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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