I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
