And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
