Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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