Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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