Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
