youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
