What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
