yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
