everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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