Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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