So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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