I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
