Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
