Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
