Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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