fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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