I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
