if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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