a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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