Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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