wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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