Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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