I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
