I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
