I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
