so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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