i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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