My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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