we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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