So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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