Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
