Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
