He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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